While there are countless articles telling you how to excel as a compliance officer, isn't there a teensy part of you that wonders what it would take to be, well, the worst?
Of course, we'd never actually suggest that you take this dubious path, but for the sake of humor and perhaps even a little enlightenment, let's entertain the notion. Ready?
1. Ignore Regulatory Updates
First thing's first. Just turn off those News alerts for anything related to "new compliance regulations" or "regulatory changes." Why bother, right? It's not like the landscape is continually evolving or anything. Enjoy the bliss of ignorance. Ignorance is, after all, bliss—until it’s a lawsuit.
2. Keep Policies as Vague as Possible
You know those policy documents that have to be crystal clear, outlining company practices in the most transparent way? Yeah, forget about those. The more nebulous, the better. Let people's imaginations run wild! That way, when someone crosses a line, you can just throw your hands up and say, "Well, it wasn’t technically in the policy!"
3. Fear Technology
Technology can greatly aid compliance efforts with tracking and reporting. To be the worst compliance officer, fear and avoid technology at all costs. Stick to manual processes, spreadsheets, and handwritten notes—preferably in a disorganized pile on your desk
4. Take 'Cookie-Cutter' to a Whole New Level
Why tailor your compliance program to the specific needs and risks of your company when you can just copy and paste from some other organization? After all, all industries are basically the same, right? Wrong, but let’s pretend.
5. Avoid Training Programs
Training programs are just elaborate ruses to make everyone think you're proactive about compliance. The true worst compliance officer would scoff at such attempts. Instead, opt for an "every man for himself" approach and see how that works out. Spoiler alert: it won't.
6. Be Inaccessible
What's worse than a compliance officer who's too available? Let’s make it a scavenger hunt for employees to find you. Lock yourself in your office and throw away the key. Emails? Ignore them. Questions? What questions? You’re too busy doing absolutely nothing to assist anyone.
7. Embrace a Reactive, Not Proactive, Approach
Why anticipate and plan for compliance issues when you can just react in abject horror when they happen? It adds a sense of drama and urgency to the workday, doesn't it? So what if it's utterly ineffective and harmful to the company?
8. Transparency is Overrated
If you really want to excel at being the worst, remember this: transparency is your enemy. Keep your activities as shrouded in mystery as possible. If anyone asks for an update, speak in riddles. It’ll make you appear deeply philosophical, or just deeply incompetent.
9. Communicate Exclusively in Legal Jargon
When communicating with employees or colleagues, speak exclusively in legal jargon and acronyms. This will guarantee that no one understands a word you're saying, and compliance will become an even more distant concept.
So there you have it, a step-by-step guide to being the worst compliance officer your company has ever seen. Obviously, this article is laced with irony and should serve as a lesson in what not to do. Compliance is no joke, and neither is the responsibility that comes with it. Strive for the opposite of everything listed here, and you'll be well on your way to being the beacon of compliance your organization needs.
